#im glad food and cat stuff are my only usual expenses though. if i had to worry about rent I'd be DOOMED.

[liazrad]

trying to stay fed with only the money i get from art commissions is actually so fucking rough like all the business i was getting instantly died once my June sale ended. i have 8 cents left and am surviving on crackers and poptarts.

[edrecoveryprobs]

RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i should just always answer all questionnaires myself anyways January - do you rather warm or cold weather? • warm. i hate winter February - give one fact/detail about your crush •i dont really have crushes except in the sense of wanting to be friends or admiration crushes. none right now tho smh March - favorite color? •kind of azure, kind of venice blue, a very electric bright saturated greenish blue April - what religion are you? •none but i like religion a lot May - what is your eye color and hair color? •blue eyes, brown hair June - what is the best thing you’ve ever experienced? •i guess ive had good luck in getting to meet a fair number of people who i think are really cool July - what do your summers usually consist of? •the last bunch of summers have been work. once i took two 6 week multivariable calc courses. i like to swim but i havent in forever, and it makes me really glad when spring comes around and i like a lot about the concept of summer still August - what is the worst thing you’ve ever experienced? •my least favorite memories are times my mom was laying into one of my siblings September - would you rather be inside or outside? •usually inside, but i like to have windows around. a front porch October - what is your favorite movie? •i dont know! November - what is your favorite food? •i dont know! hot browns are really good. i love a fried egg on toast. ice cream though probably December - what do you want for christmas? •i dont really like christmas. a lot of money Day: 01 - what type of computer do you have? •a pretty weak hp laptop. i think the battery is dead rn. its definitely not working 02 - favorite web site? •tumblr i guess, im most invested in the stuff i do here. i check it most. those memes are good 03 - who would you consider your best friend on tumblr? •i appreciate people being mutuals and i notice people who seem to like my blog a lot in the notifications 04 - do you play a musical instrument? •i had to practice the piano for like five years but i never got that good at it. i learned the recorder in fourth grade or whatever. i technically have an accordion, i cant play it very well of course 05 - do you want to play a musical instrument or another musical instrument? •i dont know, it mightve been fun to learn a brass or string instrument. but i wanted to do the other classes we had in middle school, life sciences of home ec, art, shop, and a computer/typing class 06 - share one time that you let someone down •one time lol....on a personal level probably rarely. once i had a duo presentation in some science class and i accidentally slept through the class the day of the presentation. rip 07 - favorite overall thing (can be anything)? •birds 08 - bottled water or tap water? •tap is fine 09 - post your desktop background •my laptop doesnt work 10 - favorite blog on tumblr? •mine. its a finely curated meme collection. i look at it all the time 11 - what is your favorite letter of the alphabet? •??? pretty neutral 12 - what is one word that you love? •chronicle 13 - favorite subject in school? •i never liked school but in one english class in 8th grade it was the last period and i'd get done with whatever worksheets we had early and the teacher would let me go hang out with the librarian 14 - what do you want to be when you grow up? •dead at 33 15 - what time does your alarm clock go off? •alarms are not currently in my life 16 - are you a cat person or dog person? •both but i super like cats 17 - what is your morning routine? •sleeping 18 - sexual orientation? •gayass queer 19 - what do you look for in a significant other? •i dont do that shit 20 - what is the most expensive thing you own? •the broken laptop, but i didnt buy that. some of my shoes/jeans were about $50 21 - why did you choose your url? i saw it on a sandwich board and i thought it was funny 22 - what url would you like the most? •this one is fine, i cant ever really choose anything like that 23 - what is your favorite app? •this one, i guess 24 - favorite number? •phi and tau are good. 13 25 - what is your favorite childhood memory? •we had some fun vacations i think 26 - what is you most successful post? •probably an art joke 27 - do you like or reblog things more often? •reblog 28 - do you think mcr will come back? •no 29 - what is one food that you despise? •i dont like the texture of fat on meat, though i can tolerate it on bacon and sometimes try to force my way through it in general. weirdly i like corn but not like, removed from the cob unless its hominy 30 - mouse or trackpad? •mouse 31 - can i talk to you about jesus christ our lord and savior? •last time someone did this it was me being approached by a random man at the gym. it was a lot less disastrous than it could have been. he wanted to tell me right then that jesus loved me. im sure his intentions were fine but it was still undue stress for me and fairly entitled and inconsiderate of him in a few ways. i was annoyed but it was only like 30 seconds thanks jesus